Be Safe! Be Seen!
I saw this slogan on a cycling safety poster the other day, and had to take a photo, as it captured so neatly our greatest emotional needs: to be safe and secure in our attachments, and to be seen for who we are.
In cycling, the greater your visibility, the safer you'll be.
In our creative, professional and interpersonal lives, it's not so straightforward.
The more visible we are in our work, the greater our exposure to experiences that feel relationally threatening: criticism, rejection, ridicule, misunderstanding, indifference.
When we feel blocked in the work that matters most to us - through perfectionism, or impostor syndrome, or avoidance - chances are we are in the grip of a fantasy that we can eradicate the risk involved in being seen.
Our hope is that if we get it absolutely right, or if we can be sure our work deserves to see the light of day, we can unlock praise, acceptance, and perfect understanding.
Furthermore, we doubt our ability to cope with the strong feelings that arise for us when our work doesn't get the reception we'd hoped for. We may feel shame, humiliation, or self-loathing. We may wish we’d never bothered.
So we keep our projects in endless development, because it is a way to keep them. It is a way to keep in touch with our potential, our talent, the pleasure we take in our own creativity. It’s a way for us to protect a very precious part of who we are.
We know our patterns well enough to recognise that criticism, rejection, or any knock to our confidence can shut down our ability to work at all. It can shut down our drive to be seen. It makes us want to hide, even from ourselves - which is the worst feeling of all.
So we stay in the relative 'safety' of not putting ourselves out there. Even though it is a lonely place, without the opportunities for expression and connection we need in order to feel fulfilled.
We know that it we want to change these patterns, we need to increase our tolerance of risk.
But more importantly, we need to get clear about what within us yearns to be seen and shared.
Because we will never feel secure in our belonging, and our deserving to take up space in the world, while we are stifling important parts of ourselves.
A short reflective exercise:
What does it feel like when you are in a ‘flow state’, pleasurably engaged in your thoughts or activities?
Can you think of any words or images that help you capture this feeling?
Now imagine being observed in this flow state. What does that feel like?
Now imagine you are able to invite someone in to this state with you - to share with them the pleasures of your thoughts and enthusiasm. What does that feel like?
When we are stuck between the desire to be safe and the desire to be seen, our needs for attachment and authenticity are in conflict.
To resolve this conflict, we need to acknowledge what is lost when we stifle our authenticity, but also what stands to be gained in sharing ourselves more generously with others.
When we share ourselves, we are offering ourselves for attachment. We are allowing for greater possibilities for belonging. It is an act of hope and generosity.
